Hopeful

I started work with a new psychiatrist/therapist a few weeks ago. My first assignment was to use a mood tracker app. Admittedly, I thought I wouldn’t get anything out of it. If anything, I feel too in-touch with moods and emotions. But I downloaded it and set up a few alarms to track my moods.

Only after marking “hopeful” for the fourth time did I realize that’s the only emotion I was reporting. Every mood I had when I came to the tracker was immediately replaced with hopeful, because I’m always hopeful. I know whatever mood or emotion, it will change. The wave will roll over me.

Hopeful has gotten me here. When I was last place. When I broke my back. When I lost my job. When I felt abandoned and betrayed. When it’s mile 24. When my child is screaming on the floor. When the world is inside out. When I don’t know if I’ll see my family again. I’m hopeful.

But what I’m learning is it’s okay to lean into the mood or emotion that came right before hopeful. Angry, devastated, happy, betrayed, confused, scared, patient, frustrated. It’s okay to feel more than hopeful.

And it’s okay to still be full of hope.